Not Sure I Will Marry Again
Will I Find Love Again?
To Remarry or to Stay Single: Finding Love Again and Learning to Respect Yourself
If y'all do an Internet search and enter the phrase "will I find," the autocomplete fills in "dearest" as the commencement option. A lot of people are asking that question. People ask Google "will I ever find love" far more often than they ask, "will I ever feel better," or "will I ever go married."
Wanting to find love and belonging is deep in the human being heart. Simply getting married again? Not as much. Some people desire to remarry; some exercise non.
Let'due south expect at some of the myths about remarriage. (Some of them volition exist very surprising.)
Myth 1: Everyone wants to remarry.
Some people want to remarry; others do not. Commonly younger people wish to remarry, and three in four women who divorced (at ages xv-44) do remarry inside 10 years.[1] The remarriage rate is very high for those under 20-five.[2]
Of women who divorce at age twoscore or older, nevertheless, more than than 2 in five (43%) say they do not want to remarry. And for men who divorce over age 40, one in three (33%) say they don't want to try once more. Another 26% of women weren't certain (and 24% of men), and the vast majority say they don't desire to run the risk of having some other bad marriage. Many say they don't want the trouble of finding another partner. Some say they like the freedom to brand their own plans and decisions.[iii]
For people who divorced when they were age forty or over, many prefer to stay single:
Well-nigh half of women in this age group do not want to remarry. Men are much more motivated to find a new spouse than women are: 27% were certain they wanted to remarry (compared to only 17% of women who said the aforementioned). Every bit a grouping, women are very wary ("in one case burned, twice shy"), and then it's not surprising that we find that the men'south remarriage rate is twice every bit high as women's.[4]
Myth 2: Your 2d marriage is likely to end in divorce and won't be whatsoever happier because y'all bring your problems with you.
The first office of this myth is only partially true. The divorce rate for second marriages nationwide is indeed higher than outset marriages: lx%. (And for third marriages, it is 65%.)
But that likelihood is for all remarriages, not remarriages after a life-saving divorce.
Research shows that people whose marriages had been very unhappy for a long time—people who needed a life-saving divorce—are probable to have a happier second marriage.
Researchers Hawkins and Booth studied people who were in long-term unhappy marriages (a minimum of twelve years of existence unhappily married). They followed these couples for many years beyond the twelve-twelvemonth bespeak. They compared those who stayed married and those who divorced, and they tracked their wellbeing in several different ways.
They concluded that both those who divorced and remarried, and those who divorced and stayed single, were much amend off on average than they would have been if they had stayed in the bad spousal relationship:
"Divorced individuals who remarry have greater overall happiness, and those who
divorce and remain unmarried have greater levels of life satisfaction, self-esteem and overall health than unhappily married people."[5]
Myth 3: Yous volition never remarry, and you'll live a miserable, lonely life.
Equally I mentioned, I was single for more than twenty years after my divorce. Yet I was very happy one time I got past those commencement two years.
I never dreamed I would be single for 20 years,
and I definitely never dreamed that those years would exist
so rewarding, purposeful, and meaningful.
Merely researchers could have predicted that. They had already institute that people were happier once they got out of a subversive long-term marriage. Based on their findings, it doesn't matter whether you remarry or not. You volition be happier, on boilerplate, than if you had stayed.
If you choose to stay unmarried, your life is likely to be healthier and more satisfying, and you'll have more self-respect.
Researchers Hawkins and Booth concluded this near these long-term unhappy unions:
"Remaining unhappily married rather than divorcing is never beneficial to the psychological wellbeing or overall health of the individuals in this study."[half dozen]
Happiness and Long-Term Singleness after Divorce
I'm embarrassed to say this, but I was brought upwards with the unspoken message that said women friends are just identify-keepers until y'all find a husband. I bought that message for the start thirty-v years of my life. I was wrong.
In Affiliate eight of my book (Safe Churches and Friends), I tell the story of how my best friend and I started a divorce recovery group at our church and how it provided a lot of great friendship and support. Those women are some of the strongest and almost mettlesome people I know. They are amazing survivors. I was honored to hear their stories and go a front-row seat to sentry how the Lord healed them and gave them a new passion for growth.
In addition to that group, I likewise joined groups made up of men and women who were interested in the same things I was: friends who loved photography, business, travel, and books. My circumvolve of friendships grew. Between my children and my close friends, I found the love and belonging I craved.
Hither are some reasons to stay single (adapted from my commodity originally published by Psych Key):
- Existence single can strength you to exist a better person. As a single person, yous are more likely to accept born motivation to be a practiced employee, friend, relative and neighbor. You take no automated safety net, in the form of a spouse, and considering of this, many unmarried people create and nurture their ain circles of people who are of import to them. They are reliable and responsible, whereas some married people stop growing and but coast.
- Being unmarried gives yous fourth dimension to contemplate life and become deeper. You get to know yourself when you are alone. You find out what really matters: integrity, self-awareness, and your cadre values. You don't have to conform to peer pressure. You tin can exist authentic.
- Existence single allows you to be available for interesting adventures. Married people spend a lot of fourth dimension with each other. In fact, they feel obligated to spend a majority of time together. Simply single people accept the liberty to explore new ideas, new places, and new people.
- Singles accept rich friendships. Almost married people spend time with their spouse and kids, and mayhap a scattering of friends. Singles develop deep relationships with all kinds of people,[vii] including their extended family members.
Has Anyone Always Surveyed the Happiness of Christians After Divorce?
Yeah, Baylor University (Baylor is the largest Baptist university in the world) has nerveless data that indicate that 7 in 10 Christians are happy later divorce. (Five in x are "somewhat happy" and two in ten are "very happy" afterwards divorce.)
Footnotes:
[1] M. D. Bramlett and Due west. D. Mosher, "Cohabitation, Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage in the United States," Vital and Wellness Statistics 23, no. 22 (2002): 78.
[two] Valerie Schweizer, "The Retreat from Remarriage, 1950-2017," Family Contour 17 (2019), accessed 12/12/xix, https://www.bgsu.edu/ncfmr/resources/data/family-profiles/schweizer-retreat-remarriage-fp-19-17.html.
[iii] Xenia P. Montenegro, "Divorce Feel: A Report of Divorce at Mid-Life and Beyond," AARP The Magazine (2004), A-23, accessed 12/18/nineteen, https://avails.aarp.org/rgcenter/general/divorce.pdf.
[4] Schweizer, "The Retreat from Remarriage."
[5] Daniel Hawkins and Alan Booth, "Unhappily Ever Later: Effects of Long-Term, Low-Quality Marriages on Wellbeing," Social Forces 84, no. 1 (September 2005): 464. The authors of this study mention an earlier study (Waite et al., 2002) that got a lot of attending from religious organizations. That study used simply one detail to determine marital quality, and it said that ii thirds of unhappily married couples who stayed married for 5 more years were happier. The Hawkins and Booth study was different. In improver to existence much more thorough, it specifically focused on people who had been married (very unhappily) for more than 12 years; it used several items to measure marital quality, and it adamant that those who divorced from these chronically long-term at-chance marriages were significantly happier later divorce than they had been before.
[vi] Ibid., 464.
[7] Bella DePaulo, "Put a Ring on It—A Singleness Ring,"Psych Central (2017), accessed 12/12/19, https://blogs.psychcentral.com/single-at-centre/2017/09/put-a-band-on-it-a-singleness-band-guest-post-by-gretchen-baskerville/.
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